Buried Guilt

Your body lies buried in that box
A false hope-sealed case
A suffocatingly tight space
Under shovels of dirt and rocks

Your bones are not alone at rest
Paired with soil and silt
Is my wretchedly faithful guilt
Scratching at the edges of our chest

This was not where you wanted to be
My weak soul strained
I relinquished your remains
And self-serving decisions flew free

The case lay open for you to be eyed
Your freshly cold flesh
Hardly displayed at it’s best
With trinkets and toys packed inside

I know what I’d wish if I had only one
To set us both free
For it is so hard to breath
Suffocating on what can’t be undone

My spirit lies captive in that box
My contrition, your friend
A tortured soul with no end
Under shovels of remorse and rocks


5 responses to “Buried Guilt

  1. He’s not in there….

    That’s just a body in a box, that gave his family the closure that you thought that they needed and deserved, because you love him. He is still here in photos, in his music and in all of the music that is still being made by those he helped shape. He is in his daughter and he is in your heart, which is why you still care where the shell of what he once was is. He is not in some fucking box, he has a choice to be anywhere and everywhere he chooses now, and I can guarantee you it isn’t in a box. I love you!

  2. I remember that decision.
    I remember the discussion, sitting with you, agonizing over the hard decision that needed to be made, to release or not to release his body.
    I remember that dark day well.
    And I remember why you decided to let his body go.
    Only the body.
    The one that he needed to let go of.
    He was to be cremated, but that was based on another story.
    Instead, he donated his body to the living and to forgiveness.
    He helped you make that decision.
    Do you remember that part?
    Ask him now. Ask him again if you did the “right” thing.
    And he will tell you, you did the most loving, kindest thing a person could do.
    He was with you then. He is with you now.
    There is no room for guilt.
    Rest in the love he had for you and give yourself … “the chance to settle into the raw beauty of things as they are.” (Mark Nepo, The Exquisite Risk)
    He’d like that.

  3. Meg – I’m playing catch up to these incredible writings. Right now, I wish I could hug you. If not you, at least your sister or your mom. How amazing it is to have such a ONEderful Female Unit (OFU??). Your honesty is one of your greatest strengths. It’s Our (OFU) strength! Wow! Love to you all! I’m so touched by the love of a family = parent to child, sibling to sibling, husband to wife. Meg U R Da Best!

    • Maria I want you to know how much it meant to me to have you comment on these posts. I have you to thank for being able to look back upon my childhood with great fondness. Things did seem simpler, easier then… but it’s because I had the best friend in the world to grow up with. Lots of love to you and your family!

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